CRSRP staff have just returned from a lengthy survey of red squirrels around the Kodiak Archipelago. We've observed Tamiasciurus hudsonicus in a variety of habitats and noted many similarities to the Cliffside population: same color, tail, shape, destructive actions, cute behavior, and vocalizations. Our biologists feel that they are the same species.
We investigated the possibility of transporting local squirrels to islands other than Kodiak, but cost remains prohibitive and we have yet to locate a transporter who is willing to donate their services. We remain optimistic, however.
Discussions with staff at Fort Abercrombie, the obvious breeding ground for our population, have been disappointing; no squirrel eradication program is envisioned for the immediate or distant future. Apparently groups of radical tree-hugging greeny eco-terrorist vegetarians opposed any attempts at reduction of squirrel populations.
Research into possible contraceptive methods is ongoing; Trojan has declined to develop a squirrel-sized condom, despite the number of human males it would fit - apparently the advertising department felt that marketing squirrel-sized condoms would not be a successful endeavor despite the number of men it would fit, especially extreme right wing talk show hosts. Unfortunately, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glen Beck (the hemorrhoid with eyes) declined the offer to be spokesmen for the product.
We are also considering publishing a book of squirrel recipes should more extreme action be required.
At this time, the peanut butter is on the trigger and the trusty Hav-a-hart awaits its next resident.
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